Setting very strong boundaries has been an issue for me my entire life experience in this body. I grew up in a home where violence was a daily occurrence. My father was verbally and physically abusive, his raging anger and alcoholism had a better marriage than both his other two marital contracts ever did. As a consequence of this, I never understood or was taught about boundaries. I didn’t know that I needed to feel safe, emotionally and physically to truly connect with another human being till last year during therapy. It was a revelation. It’s only been in the last few years of my embodiment that I have begun to discern where my behaviour has integrity and dignity that matches what self-love means to me first, then to those, I’m in connection with.
My childhood was a nightmare from which I couldn’t awaken. I’ve been an empath my entire existence. Soaking up energetic confluence like a sponge, feeling too much (emotions that were never mine to hold) walking into rooms and being overwhelmed by the resonance in the room, people come to me for advice, friends and often people that hardly know me, or me them. Must have a kind and friendly face then? 🙂 In the first few days of the global smackdown I felt so overwhelmed I could hardly breathe. The collective fear that was whirling around me was a deep, heavy swell, an undertow of magnitude that was choking the life out of me. Not only fear but also anger. Collective anger. Defining what was mine and what wasn’t took me around two weeks to recognise. It wasn’t until I began spending a lot more time in nature, grounding, calling in spirit to help me ‘clear the decks’ that shit began to become clear and I could focus.
No one can take responsibility for what has happened to me except me. I chose all of it. Even the incarnation into a destructive and terrifying family environment for a child. Yes, all of it. In human years (currently in this epoch) I’m closing in on my 50th year, and it’s taken me this long to comprehend why I’ve created all that I’ve consigned now to the past as I actively live through my present. My truth is ‘leave this place a better place because you were in it‘, it’s a simple recognition that what I’ve gone through has allowed me to be more patient, more compassionate, and most importantly more empathic. I believe that this is the foundation for being a driving force in changing the paradigm so that the generations to come will inherit a paradise, and not be born into a prison.
Forging onward for me means having the courage to make mistakes, to act fearlessly, and to stand in the light, face the dark and laugh. I am all that is, all that everything has been and all that ever will be, to quote David Icke. My boundaries are strong, I will do what is right before what I’m told, I will do my best to involve critical thinking before engaging my Reptilian brain, amygdala, the fight or flight mechanism. I will live from my heart fearlessly creating, imagining, writing, producing, directing Oho Ake Books because I want to be a part of the wave that washes away the filth that’s sat on the surface of our collective history as we, the ocean beneath could never break through to the air.
I have some bad moments, days, weeks when I feel like it’s pointless, I’m broken. I’m kind to someone and they’re cruel to me. They’re a mirror, showing me how much pain I still hold, how fear still sidles up with me when I’m cold and lonely. But then I can ask for help, my tipuna, my ancestors who come at my request and lift me. They’re the wind that lifts me towards the stars and my heart blossoms. No matter what happens, we are loved and are love. Remember that. It’s who you are. The rest is an illusion. Kia Kaha.
