Rahm’s mother I tapped the table with her fingers then focused on me intently.
“A woman’s power lies in her womb.” She said. Her tone was gentle, but strong, and in my state of being I was completely entranced. “Her womb is a sacred site on her body. If someone enters this sacred site without reverence, respect and love… it is a violation.”
I was dumbfounded. Here was a moment you have in life where acknowledgment and understanding correlate and together register in your heart as truth. Until this moment in my life incarnate, my sexual education was limited to asking my lovers what they wanted, watching their cues, pornography, and tall tales of conquests from friends. My sex life had been promiscuous, and I fancied myself as an attentive and adroit lover, priding myself on the skills I had gathered from my teachers, my lovers. Penetration in any form had been about pleasure. Any emotional connection had been brief and often disastrous experience for me due to my childhood woundings that kept me from getting close to women. I looked over at Kirsten as she wandered through the house with Rahm and Erin. I felt a pang of uncertainty about the value of my affection and attention towards her. Did I love her? I knew that I adored her, really liked her, but love her? I turned back to my hosts at the table.
The Italian man next to me then put his hand on my shoulder seeing how troubled I was. He told me to watch how she moved, every nuance.
“She was a dancer in her last life… and you were a Buddhist monk.” He said. It wasn’t the first time I had heard that I had been a buddhist monk, that information had been relayed to me several times by psychics and mystics. “Feel into her every move and appreciate her poise, grace and power. Let it stir your heart. Do not attach yourself to the feeling, let it be. This should be easy for you.” He chuckled.
Rahm’s mother then elaborated on what she had said. The womb was where life was created, germinated, and carried. From this sacred site, a woman could conduct more power than any man could ever imagine. She said it was a privilege for a man or another woman to be gifted entrance into this space, and this is reason enough for one’s heart to blossom in love. Moving with this energy would change my connection to Kirsten, enlighten me and also accelerate my personal growth she said. It would also trigger me to be vulnerable and this would ultimately scare me from committing to Kirsten in a way that would have honoured her in a way that I can do now due to the years of shadow work and healing I have done. As I listened intently to the discourse that was shared with me, I would glance over at Kirsten who would often see me looking at her and give me a smile. Elemental truths can be exhilarating in my experience, but they can also be debilitating, and I felt conflicted. I was so full of questions about the nature of my connection to Kirsten. She was so fly, so gorgeous and she was a passionate and deeply trusting lover. Overwhelmed and grateful for her decision to be with me and what I had just learned I had to excuse myself after the discourse was over.
Wandering over to the edge of the tiered garden I looked out towards the largest volcanic plug in the eroding caldera. I’d climbed it in the winter of that year, and felt the desire to do it again, hoping that such a task would settle my wayward mind. A pair of arms circled around my torso and I felt Kirsten’s body slide up against my back. I melted into her embrace, closing my eyes as she asked me the inevitable question. “What did you all talk about?” Taking a moment I opened my eyes again, then turned around and took her by the hand and walked her away from the house. I told her everything that I had learned. Though she heard me, she didn’t share the acknowledgment of the fact that entering into her sacred site without love was a violation. For me, it most certainly was. I told her that I wasn’t sure if I loved her. She laughed nervously and made a joke about my statement. Seeing how deeply it had affected me, she gave me space. I told her that I didn’t want to forgo the affection I shared with her, but I needed some time to comprehend how this was going to change my sexual connection with her. “Take your time.” She offered.
The next few days Erin, Kirsten, Rahm, and I explored the rainforest in the region, swimming in incredible jungle waterholes, bathing beneath waterfalls, and encountering fauna, snakes, goanna lizards, and birdlife. On our last night together, we all dropped acid and watched a storm roll into the caldera. Lightning struck all around the basin, cracking into its eroding walls. Rain fell heavily only a few miles away from us as the storm front hit an invisible wall and moved southeast away from Rahm’s family abode. We sat under stars while heavy rain and lightning danced off to our right. I haven’t experienced anything like this anywhere in the world since. My entire time up there at the Adamedes family home was a beautiful and enlightening dream. I reached for Kirsten’s hand on the deck chairs as the stairs shone their ancient light upon us as lightning forked into the basin, its brilliance momentarily lighting it up. I let my heart open, surrendering to a love that I could not maintain. Fear was too powerful a force in me then. I did love Kirsten, and I always will. I was just too afraid to face my shadow. She shone so brightly, illuminating all that I hid away from my conscious mind. I wasn’t the man, the human I am today. Integrity, vulnerability, and authenticity were seeds planted in those days up in the caldera facing Wollumbin that would germinate many years later.