In 2008 I was moving through treacle in an energetic sense. The compounding of trauma from my childhood had gathered momentum through the years, and I hadn’t stopped to begin to ask for the help (from spirit and counsellors, mentors in third-dimensional reality) that I needed to feel more embodied, rather than being in my head. It is natural for those who have experienced trauma of a sexual nature or a perceived threat to survival to move into upper energetic system and leave the lower energy centres. For me, being grounded in reality was not as attractive as daydreaming in my mind for many decades of my life.
Travel had been on my mind since I got back to Aotearoa/New Zealand in late 2002. I had been working as an interior/exterior decorator since early 2004 and had amassed a large amount of savings, preparing for the reversal of the odyssey (in 2001 I was going to travel from Cancun to Buenos Aires and then up to Santiago. From there I intended to fly to Rapa Nui, Tahiti, and then to Aotearoa/New Zealand… it didn’t happen and that’s another story, podcast, vlog to share) of travelling the length of the American continent back to Vancouver, B.C. Canada, rather than leaving there in 2001 and coming back to NZ. I hadn’t felt at peace with being in the country of my birth since coming back, distraction had played a large part in my life experience along with the serious affliction of fungal infections on my hands and arms due to my emotional eating disorder that eventually led to a serious candidiasis infection that I would heal from in 2011-2012.
Walking into the travel agents in Kilbernie to book my flight to Santiago, Chile that afternoon after work in the late winter of 2008 I was fully preparing myself to escape once again, find presence in the moment, and be free of the emotional burdens that were being activated by my presence in the country where the origins of my trauma took place. When spirit said to me ‘NO YOU MUST WRITE‘ precisely at the end of my booking as I hovered the credit card over the terminal to pay for the flight, I answered the call with due diligence and left the travel agents and began to research and scribe away on my computer, compiling years of conscious awakening into a tome that explained what I had learned with what I believed to be fictitious characters (they aren’t, they’re parts of myself in a multi-dimensional sense) discovering the true nature of reality on an odyssey that I wanted to have personally at some point in my life. I would write three books (first drafts) in three months, be synchronistically led me to find my editor/proofreader/ cover illustrator in less than six months, and then eventually publish them all on my website in 2010. The cost of that enterprise meant that I was living week to week even after the publications. I created a book trailer for Entwined that stunned the marketing team I hired to promote my content, but came to them completely naive, my head in the clouds, and completely ungrounded in third-dimensional reality. When they introduced me to someone in the USA via a Skype meeting that looked at my work and asked me what niche I wanted to market in, who my audience was, my target market demographic, and if I was blogging. I felt the blood run from my extremities into my heart and cool with every question she asked of me. I had foolishly believed that my book trailer would sell my book and that through my conviction alone that I would be an international bestseller. I was so ungrounded, and not only that, afraid to make my voice heard. I had wanted to let the book and the story speak for itself, staying out of the light of publicity. To feel safe in my anonymity where I wouldn’t be triggered to remember my woundings, or ever have to face those that would trigger them for me was the motivating factor in my decision to write as Harmon Sueno, Pablo Wairua, and Lord Buford Somerset. Although aspects of myself, I was comfortable behind their names, my own and my presence a mystery.
I identified myself as an interior/exterior decorator, not a creative imaginist, and receded into the shadows, dabbling when the creative urge welled up inside me so strongly that I couldn’t suppress it and so took time off my daily hustle to follow what passionately moved me. I would write thirteen books in as many years (three novels, six collections of short stories, two collections of poetry, two short stories ,and started my fourth novel in 2020) no mean feat, but still no one knew that I had done so. Even those closest to me had no idea that I had manifested an entire library of work, and when some did discover what I had created, and read some of the books were aghast at how incredible the work was. I have never had anyone who finished a book I have written not tell me that they were astonished by the levels of involvement they felt reading the book. It drew them in, and they found it hard to stop reading.
Haunted by my trauma, safe in the shadows, a dear friend, Tabaash asked me if I was ready to walk away from all that I had created in 2018. The same feeling I had felt in 2010 arose in my body and I felt a sense of deja vu. I had been anonymous, never lifting my head above the parapet, fearful that my wounds would open as someone took a potshot at me exposing my lack of sense of self-worth. Oho Ake Books took a backseat to me healing my childhood wounding as my partner Inge would be a mirror for me, and in the two years we were together I met my patterns, woundings, and beliefs about myself head-on. I would seek help from a counsellor, and we would then seek help together in 2019, the insights into all that was holding me back raced at me, and I stood steadfast to meet them with open arms. Embodied and grounded, with a greater understanding of what I had given meaning to and therefore power over my life, I disarmed all limitations by seeing them as experiences, which allowed me to live life moment to moment on my terms, not those programmed into me as a child. It would be the most revolutionary act of my life. I became the human I always wanted to be, no longer afraid of what others would say about me, understanding that I valued authenticity over people-pleasing (being safe), honesty, and acceptance over lies and fear.
The degree of comfort I began to embody gave me the feeling of wanting to expand, to learn, to share, and so I have started to make content for my youtube (and other platforms) channel, coming out from behind the curtain, recording deeply revealing and vulnerable podcasts, and blogging about topics that do no limit my conscious evolution but allow to me expand into it. I have enrolled in the Full-Time Purpose Accelerator Course created by Victor Oddo and Aaron Doughty to up-skill my knowledge and be successful in my passion and business. I have identified myself as that which I am passionate about, an imaginist (writer, publisher, vlogger, podcaster, blogger at present) rather than what constituted my day hustle since 2004, and my journey is just beginning. I know that the value I want to bring to people’s lives can only be shared by me being myself and revealing to the world who I am and what I have created and do create. This is where my spirituality and practicality meet and the rubber hits the road for me.