Since early January this yea,r I have encountered an abundance of dramas. None of which were created by me. I have had opportunities to react to these experiences as a conscious individual, heart open, being kind, compassionate, gentle as possible in sometimes very hostile moments. It has come to a point where I am questioning whether my force of attraction to these experiences is a test to see if I can hold this frequency steadfastly, or whether I’m an asshole magnet.
My ex-girlfriend gaslit me (several times), was insensitive to me, disrespected and projected her issues onto me, was passive aggressive with such aplomb that the respite that was the lockdown in late March was a God-send. To a woman that triggered a past life memory in me, then came onto me (while she was amid the early stages of her relationship with someone else) and then went cold after I made some clear boundaries, and then hot again (and recently cold as I gave her a wide wide berth directing my energies elsewhere), to having my ex-girlfriend take away from me her campervan which I wanted to buy (after she gaslit/projected onto me her control issues when she didn’t get what she wanted), it’s been intense. And this all happened within late February-mid March, I won’t go into the lockdown, there was plenty of other drama going on there before I began focusing my energies on writing Rigmarole, by Dick Swabb, A Dance called Dwarka, and finished A Flickering light called Fate, both books written by Iho Grace.
May and June have been emotionally INSANE for me. Energetically and cosmically I have felt the wane and wax planetary alignments in ways that defy my current memory, troughs, and peaks of varying heights and depths. I’ve felt the assault of other people’s fear, insecurity, had a dear friend die an accidental death in a swollen river (last week tramping in the Ruahine ranges), and then have lastly been used as leverage by a backpacker to sell her van (without my consent or knowledge). I’m exhausted. Being peaceful is exhausting. Holding that frequency in a time of extreme turmoil is/has been an immense struggle for me. Being able to hold my space and interact with other humans, some far from their equilibrium is just too much at this time.
As the system of the control throws the kitchen sink at society, with Covid–19, Race wars, creating panic, anger, dividing and ruling, angling towards greater control over the populace, distracting the advancing exposure of the lies around the Covid-19 narrative and its players, the trickle-down effect is manifesting in peoples behaviours. Fearful, narcissistic, angry, insecure, judgemental, hostile, and dishonest behaviours are taking precedence globally. Last night, after working out that I had been played (by this backpacker whose van I was buying all week, till I discovered that she was leveraging her sale to a couple in Auckland who had offered her an unconditional sale) I was left reeling, wondering where do I go from here. My faith in humanity, besmirched, my trust broken. I was caught up in the aggrandisement of the dramas that had unfolded in my life since early January 2020, how I had suffered, while those who had inflicted the suffering had prospered.
Needless to say, it left me feeling sick, weak, and powerless. I had invested so much effort in being a light in the darkness, but to what end? I’m yet to know, I do know this though, my time of being peaceful is going to be strengthened by an ego chop, which means, that I will be more affirmative when faced with adversity, I will not allow myself to be abused or mistreated to accommodate the wounded. The words, FUCK OFF will be making a comeback, and I won’t be using them sparingly as I assert with love (of course! haha) that I won’t stand for other people’s lack of morality.