Over the last few months, I have perceived and been subject to behaviours, deeds, words, and actions that originate far from the heart. The foundation for all these has been the need for control. Controlling the narrative of a conversation, being gaslit as someone projects their reactionary traumas onto me to be right in justifying their actions (controlling a situation, as they aren’t getting what they want from me), technocrats and experts relating a horseshit narrative about a virus that is not only not deadly in my country, New Zealand (unless you have pre-existing medical conditions and are aged) but has been used to destroy the economy and force this island nation into the recession that’s not hit yet. The tsunami is rising as I write, its impact is due in the late winter (if only, probably mid-winter).
With the death of someone who was a treasure to be around over the long weekend, and visitation into the Rimutaka forest park here near Wellington, last Sunday where I stopped an overactive mind, finding peace in the intricate environment all around me. The experience of being immersed in a gigantic sentient field of energy (while hordes of other people raced past me oblivious to this world as they scooted to get to their destinations), I heard the three words that my mentor Tabaash said to me back in January this year. Acceptance, Observation, and Peace. Loving humanity for what it wants to be, loving myself for becoming what it is I want to be never felt clearer.
I realised that all the issues that I had created in my life experience outside of the forest were a construct of my own making. I kept stories alive about people’s decisions to act towards me in certain ways, I reacted to other people’s words, deeds, actions in ways that also kept me recycling the same emotional responses, and therefore biochemical addictions ensued that perpetuated that cyclical maelstrom. Yet, here, in the spacious stillness, the deep inter-connectedness of this immense living organism I felt complete peace.
Healed wouldn’t suffice as the correct term. It was a revelation, one that I had intellectualised many times before, but never had an empirical experience of. I contemplated my death (leaving my body) and heard an echo all around me, ‘there is no death, energy is recycled, it’s is eternal, nothing is wasted’. This increased the futility of my ‘issues’ so that they dissolved completely, and I was in a deep blissful state of receptivity. This state is now a choice for me, one that I intend to make my foundational state of being through the portal of Acceptance, Observation, and Peace.