I have just finished a small book of poetry writing with Iho Grace, whose poetic tones matched my own. The book is a reflection on my relationship of two years which ended in January of this year. My muse, my former paramour, Inge Laan. The book is called A Flickering light Called Fate, and it’s written in three parts. Rhapsody, Reconcile, and Rekindle. It’s the first time that I’ve compiled a book of poetry about the experiences of being in a relationship with someone, detailing my own experiences, my perspectives on the entirety of the two years that we shared and apart. I’ve aired out my dirty laundry here, acknowledging my shadow, my flaws, and the deeply profound way in which healing took place in my life experience due to being with someone who shone a light on my own need for healing the areas of my life that I had ignored for so long.
Inge proved to be for me in life and a literary sense a great muse. Some of the work is the best I’ve written. I delved and dived deeply into the realms where I understood (with hindsight) where I perceived the greatest vulnerabilities were for me that allowed me to open myself to her like I have done with no one before. In the first part of the book Rhapsody, I wax lyrical about the joys of discovering that your affections are met; and that the passion you share defies your lack of connection. It’s a dance we have done before, in another lifetime or lifetimes, there can be no doubt for me. However, passion alone cannot create harmony when it comes to the total of the parts that have gone in to make us who we are (at least in the personality/ego/identity). Cracks began to appear when our traumas from our earlier lives and our inner children felt unsafe. So this part ends with the realisation that the degree of conscious awareness was not prevalent enough for us to continue our relationship.
Reconcile, part two is about our ‘sabbatical’, when we had two months apart. In this space, I was left with so many questions about the nature of our relationship. About me, about her, about how things could have been different. Practices that hadn’t been in place, study, and counselling become a large part of my life during this time. I learned a lot about how the traumas that I had experienced as a child had shaped my reactionary processes and gained valuable perspective on Inge’s behaviour too. I missed her immensely though, and it shows when the reigns are handed back to me in the writing process.
Rekindle, part three comes on like a wave of elation, as unexpectedly, Inge and I rekindled our romance. The words from her, ‘we are not compatible, but if we do the work, there is a chance‘, were a great evaluation of the year ahead. We worked hard together, addressing and healing our inner children in a step-by-step process, our love for one another deepening as a consequence. The work was great, a burden we both wanted to carry as it became lighter, however, our time came to an end in January this year, and I can see that it was the appropriate time given hindsight. Our life paths were diverting strongly. Inge was moving back to the Netherlands (her country of birth) and I had no intention of following her. My path leads me elsewhere. I believe Inge to be the bravest person I’ve ever met, I said that to her when we first met, and I to this day stand by this. The poetry near the end of the book details the coming to terms with not having the object of my love and affection, devotion and joy (outside of myself and my connection to source energy), and remembering that if I want to find her, look no further than my heart. I’ve been blessed in my life with lovers, and Inge was my greatest teacher. All of my love and thank you.
